16 pet name

And we’ve almost figured out how we’ll get along

And given time we’ll find it strange to be alone and

You just forgot your one pet name for me

And all those promises you said you’d keep

And it’s a lucky thing because that sentimental stuff

Doesn’t suit you at all

Excerpt from “Pet Name” by TMBG

EPOV (some time after second nap)

I woke up without an erection and was happy.

Then, I thought of Bella, and was aching again.

I looked at my penis carefully. There was some redness and it was sore, but it wasn’t any worse than when I was a teenager.

Six times in eighteen hours is too much masturbation, I thought.

I rolled out of bed and got dressed, easing my pants carefully over my sore, hardened member.

I had a headache and I was thirsty.

I easily ruled out Type II diabetes, as my frequent ejaculation and lack of proper hydration were the more likely culprits.

My behavior, although completely sanitary, had had multiple negative consequences. I would need to figure out a better way to deal with this…relationship.

I poured myself a glass of water, and drank it all at once. Then I poured another and drank a few sips.

I carried the glass into the living room and pulled the ottoman back in front of the chair. I sat back in it and immediately thought of what Bella had been doing in this chair last night.

I sat up and brought my nose to the place where her ass had rested while she touched herself.

Then I thought of what assholes were for, and almost vomited in my mouth.

Luckily, I couldn’t smell her there. This should not have been a surprise to me, but it was.

I sat back putting my feet on the ottoman, glass of water in my hand resting on my knee, and closed my eyes, and tried to forget about her anus and just visualize her. Naked, spread open. Her hands. Her face.

My stomach tightened as my penis grew harder. This was very inconvenient, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself.

I grabbed at my hair above my forehead and pulled. It was something I hadn’t done since I was twelve. The stretched skin feeling was soothing and I relaxed into the chair with one hand in my hair, the other holding the glass, but wanting to be somewhere else.

“Fuck,” I said aloud. I had to stop this.

I decided that I needed to get out of my apartment if I was going to be able to stop doing that thing that thinking of Bella always necessitated.

I washed the glass in the sink, my hair falling into my eyes. I pushed it out of my face, tugging again as I marched to the bathroom.

I combed my hair carefully, wetting the comb a little first, in order to tame the locks that I’d pulled straight up. I looked at my face carefully to ensure that the red marks from this morning were gone.

I sighed with relief.

I made my way down to Emmett and Rosalie’s store. My brother was taking some paying customers on a guided hike up Hunter Mountain, so I thought I would try “hanging out” with Rosalie.

“Hi, Edward,” she said, looking up from behind the register where she was helping Jane and Aaron, two of the three college students employed to help out in the store on afternoons and weekends.

They were looking over some paperwork at the counter.

“Hello, Rosalie. Jane. Aaron,” I said.

Jane looked up at me and blushed. It made me think of Bella.

This wasn’t working out the way I had planned.

“Hi, Edward,” she said.

“Hey, Ed!” Aaron said. “What’s up?”

“I just came downstairs to hang out.”

I tried to say the phrase as unstudied as possible.

“Saturdays can get really busy, Edward,” Rosalie warned. “I don’t know if today’s the best choice. Although, I’m pleased to see you’ve emerged from your cave. How’s Bella?” she asked, smirking at what, I had no idea.

“She’s very well. I spoke with her on the phone just a few hours ago.”

“Who’s Bella?” Jane asked.

“Edward’s…OK, Ed, what’s your “relationship status’?” Rosalie asked.

“We still haven’t defined it precisely. But she said she likes me more than like, and that she doesn’t want to hate me, so I am to check with her before purchasing laptops and well, I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to get her opinion about, so I’ll probably just ask her about everything that involves her, to be safe. Oh, and I’ve been party to two orgasms, that were—”

“—that’s enough! I think we have an idea. Thank you,” Rosalie said.

I noticed that Jane’s shoulders were more rounded and she had stopped smiling. That was odd. She was always smiling. I wanted to ask what it was, but that was the sort of thing Rosalie was always saying I shouldn’t do.

“So, do you have any statistical or accounting-related projects I can work on this afternoon?” I asked, hoping to be given something to focus on other than planning methods for obtaining a naked and sexually-sated Bella.

“Not today, but,” Rosalie said, pulling a box from the floor behind her, “how would you feel about sorting these stickers? I’ve got to go over paperwork for Jane and Aaron’s climbing wall instructor re-certifications and I’m expecting a post-lunch-weekend-rush any minute.”

“Sure,” I said. “Just…” I thought about doing the sorting without my gloves. I had almost resigned to give it a try, when I remembered that Rosalie once got a paper cut while sorting stickers. “I need to run upstairs and get my gloves. Is that OK?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. As a matter of fact, you can work at Emmett’s desk back here, if you want. His laptop is upstairs, so the area is clear.”

“Good. I’ll only be a moment,” I said and headed back to my apartment.

I wanted to call Bella and ask her to come over, or to meet me at a library, or perhaps take a walk. I didn’t usually like taking walks, but I could imagine doing it with her, and the thought made me smile.

Instead, I wrote in my victory journal that I wanted to walk with her, and I added that I had forgotten to take my gloves with me.

I pulled out a fresh pair, and headed back downstairs.

Before I walked in at the back entrance, I thought I heard her voice. My heart rate picked up pace and I realized that I was excited. Was she visiting me?

I moved quickly through the doorway in her direction.

She stood in front of the display of hiking boots talking to a short woman with dark hair who was directing Jane about which pairs of boots she wanted to try.

Bella turned before I could call out to her, and looked at me with saucer-shaped eyes. She shook her head slowly and swallowed.

I wasn’t positive what her meaning was, but she seemed…frightened? I recalled images of mammals with wide eyes, and felt confident in my assessment.

I decided to back up, and gauged from her reaction that this is what she wanted; her face relaxed more the further I moved from her.

Why would she be afraid of me?

The other woman noticed that Bella was not paying attention.

“Bella!” she said. “Hey, what do you think?”

“What?” she said, turning away from me. “Oh, um, I like them, Alice.”

Alice was Bella’s sister. Hm. Perhaps she was afraid for me? Was Alice a threat?

“Psst. Come here!” Rosalie hissed from somewhere behind me. “Edward!”

I turned to see her peering around the doorway of the storage room.

“What is it?” I whispered, joining her where she stood concealed by some empty boxes.

Emmett told me once that if someone whispers to me, I should always whisper back. He said my very life could depend on it. I trusted him and never questioned the rationale.

“That is Bella’s sister, Alice!” she said.

“I know. That’s what Bella called her. Why are we whispering?” I asked.

“Because she’s also Jasper’s wife…So, Bella asked me to keep you from talking about Jasper or the dinner last night.”

“Jasper is Alice’s husband?”


“So, Alice isn’t supposed to know who we are to Jasper.”

“Exactly,” Rosalie said.

“How did you know?”

“I figured it out last night. Jasper made me promise not to tell anyone, but I figured it was OK to tell you and Emmett.”

“Wait. How did you talk to Bella without Alice finding out?”

“Bella asked if I could show her to the restroom.”

“You don’t have a restroom down here.”

“She didn’t actually need to go, Edward.”

“Then why?—”

“—So she could talk to me without Alice knowing.”



“—So, they came in, and Bella shook her head at me, like she did with you, and I played along.”

“Hm. I may I speak to her?”


And Alice?”

“I don’t know, she didn’t say for you not to come out, just to keep your mouth shut about Jasper and dinner last night.”

“What do I say we did?”

“You don’t. You act like you didn’t see her last night.”

“Why?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes. “You need to trust me and get out there. This is going to look weird to the other customers and employees.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Are you seriously this curious?” she asked.

“I don’t understand that question. I’m not more nor less—”

“—Please shut up, Edward, and get out there if you want to see Bella today.”

“OK,” I said and followed Rosalie out.

I wanted to walk right up to Bella, but I was already following Rosalie. Was I supposed to walk over to her? Should I stand behind the counter and look like I worked here?

I was uncomfortable with the dishonesty of my actions, and I hadn’t even spoken, yet. I could feel the sweat trickling down the sides of my face. I wondered if Jasper and Bella were this uncomfortable last night.

I only hesitated for a moment, then followed Rosalie to the counter and waited for Bella to make eye contact.

She didn’t.

I felt impatient again, so when Jane stepped away from them to help another customer, I moved out into the store, walking confidently to where she was standing discussing the fit of a pair of Eagle Origins with her sister, who had…well, incredibly large feet. I stared at them in amazement as she laced up, wondering if perhaps she’d just requested a size or three too big.

“Excuse me,” Alice said to me, an eyebrow arched. “Do you actually work here, or are you just a creepy asshole with a foot fetish?”

“No, I don’t work here, and clearly, I am a human being.” I said, putting my hands on my chest for emphasis. “I have never thought about whether or not I have a foot fetish. I have other problems that are far more severe than the sexual adoration of pedal extremities.”

I looked away from Alice to find Bella, with her face as red as the day I met her. Her lips had moved from their typical wide parabolic shape, to a straight horizontal line. I was unfamiliar with this expression.

“Who the Christmas fuck are you?” Alice asked.

“Alice,” Bella said, causing her disproportionate sister to look up at her, “this is Edward…Masen.”

“Oh. My. GOD. You…this is the freak-show you’ve been seeing behind my back? This guy? Bella, he’s got fucking latex gloves on!”

I looked at Bella and she was grinning.

“I know, Alice.”

Then she winked at me.

What did that mean? I cocked my head to the side inquisitively.

“Isabella Swan, I really want to trust that you are not making a huge fucking mistake right now, but this guy, Please forgive me, guy…I mean, Edward, he looks like a fucking nimrod! I mean, look at that comb-over! Who would wear their hair like that in public unless they were auditioning for Mad Men?

“I like it, Alice,” Bella said.

I was worried about Bella’s sister. It was obvious that she had difficulty processing visual stimuli. She had confused me with an anus and the possible historic Gilgamesh. No wonder she got the restraining order. I shuddered to think what she saw when she glimpsed the written word.

Perhaps Dr. Cullen could recommend a neurologist.

“OK. I understand that he’s hot, comb-over notwithstanding, but he’s hanging out in a store, staring at my feet! Wearing those fucking gloves! This is not the kind of man you can bring to brunch, Bella! This is the guy you drop off at the psych ward on your way to meet a real man!”

“Alice,” Bella said.

What?” she replied.

“Please don’t…I mean, don’t talk like that. It’s mean…and I…I don’t like it!” Bella’s hands were in fists at her sides, her eyes wide and shining.

I looked from her to Alice and back, wondering if there was something I should do.

Alice’s looked away to the floor.

I looked at Bella, hoping she would help me understand what had just happened.

Or, perhaps she didn’t know about her sister’s condition!

“Bella, please don’t yell at your sister. I think she has a neurological problem.”

Alice looked up at me. The set of her mouth, furrowed brows and red face suggested anger. “I don’t have a problem asshole!”

I pointed at Alice and said, “See, she can’t properly process visual stimuli. She looks at me and her brain sees an anus. This could have serious consequences—”

“—What?” Alice got up, and Bella quickly put her arms around her sister, restraining her.

Some people, I’ve been told, react violently when they are first told they have a medical problem. The symptoms are there, but they repress knowledge of them, so they can feel normal. Dr. Cullen has explained it to me many times.

“Alice,” Bella said in a low and, I noted, a somehow non-sexy, tone, “Edward is not making fun of you. He just doesn’t understand sarcasm. He thinks you’re being straight with him. He doesn’t even know that you’re being a total bitch, OK? So, don’t freak out. I’ll explain it to him.

“Can I let you go?” Bella asked Alice, which seemed odd to me.

How could Alice control her sister’s actions so completely that Bella had to get Alice’s permission to let her go?

“Yeah,” Alice said.

“Edward,” Bella said, closing the distance between us. My penis reacted to her proximity.

I liked it.

“Remember when we talked about sarcasm this morning?”

“Yes. I don’t understand it.”

“Right. Well, Alice uses it a lot. She doesn’t have a disorder…well, that kind of disorder,” she said, her eyelids lowering to slits as she glanced sideways at her sister.

“She’s just mean, sometimes. So, just ignore her, OK? She’s had a rough twenty-four hours, and I think she’s been thoroughly mind-fucked, er…mind-fucked means…shit, how do I explain that?” she said to the ceiling.

I looked up with her.

“It means, Edward,” Alice said, “That everything I thought I understood is wrong. You were right. I saw stuff and misinterpreted it. I just thought you were being an asshole—I mean, I thought you were being mean to me by sarcastically telling me that I had a brain disorder.”

“Mind-fuck,” I said. “I understand the mind part, but how could fucking lead to one suddenly understanding the world differently?”

“He’s practically a virgin,” Bella explained to Alice.

“Ohhhhh,” she said. “Humph. Well, good luck with that. You really will mind-fuck him,” she said with a smirk.

“Oh, she already has,” I said. “I just never had a word in my vocabulary to describe it. I think that Dr. Cullen will find it very interesting when I discuss it with him. Well, if he’ll see me, that is.”

“You’re going to see Dr. Cullen again?” Bella asked. “I thought everything was going well.”

“Well, it is and it’s not. It’s actually very confusing. Probably a result of the thorough mind-fucking I’ve received.”

I smiled at her and felt compelled to wink. I did, and then realized that a wink was a shared moment of understanding between people who have a secret shared experience.


Bella grinned back. She understood!


“I don’t mean to interrupt this “mind-sex” you’re having, but I need to buy some fucking shoes. Would you two take your geek-gasm somewhere else?” Alice said.

I did as Bella suggested and ignored her ridiculous verbiage. Why one would wear hiking boots to have sex was beyond my understanding. On second thought, perhaps she needed good traction. Considering that, I would have recommended running shoes. They are much lighter.

Bella reached out for my hand and squeezed it.

“Would you like to take a walk with me, Bella Swan?” I asked.

“I would like that very much, but I’m actually here with Alice.” She laughed and said quietly, “I should try to set a good example, be the adult here and wait for her to finish.”

I reached out and touched a strand of hair that had fallen in her face, tucking it behind her ear. She leaned into my hand.

The responsiveness of our bodies to each other was something that continued to fascinate me, despite the fact that I understood intellectually why it occurred.

Just touching her in this gentle, non-sexual way, and her responding was enough to bring thoughts of fucking her to mind. I wondered if her thoughts were similar.

“Are you thinking about fucking me, Bella?” I asked.

She giggled. “Yeah. That’s exactly what I was thinking. I’m just surprised you call it that.”

“Yes, I know I shouldn’t be so crass, but thinking the word “fucking,” as opposed to “having sex with,” has always aroused me, even as a teenager. I don’t mean to be disrespectful.”

“I don’t think you are,” she said.

“I haven’t kissed you today,” I noted.

“You should rectify that immediately, Edward Masen,” she said grinning and looking up at me with half-opened eyes. They reminded me of a pin-up picture I saw in one of Emmett’s sex magazines. I remembered other times I’d seen this look on her face.

It was the face of arousal. The realization made me hard.

I leaned in to kiss her and she met me half way. It was jarring and unexpected, but also pleasant.

I pulled her lower lip into my mouth. I wasn’t sure why, but it seemed like the thing to do.

My arms instinctively had moved to her back, and she mirrored my behavior, rubbing mine gently while we tasted each other.

My penis strained against my pants. I could feel her belly pressed up against it. I resisted the urge to move my hips into her further.

She moaned, and I stopped resisting. Then she moaned again.

By now, our kiss had turned into a simulation of eating and fucking. There was tasting, biting, nibbling, sucking, swallowing, grinding, gripping and squeezing.

It was wonderful.

“Ahem,” Alice said.

“Go away, Alice,” Bella spoke against my mouth.

I started kissing her jaw and neck to give her space to have a proper conversation.

I wasn’t about to stop kissing her.

“”Bella, this is not the proper location for making out. You’re right in front of the window and tourists are stopping on the street to watch. Fuck, someone’s got their phone out to take a picture—move!

“Come on, Edward, let’s stop for now.”

I had been running my nose along the edge of her earlobe, smelling her hair and her skin. My eyelids drooped, but I wasn’t sleepy.

We pulled away from each other, but continued to hold hands as we moved toward the register.

Rosalie was there waiting. She bit her lip and snorted when she glanced at my crotch.

However, she politely didn’t mention it and looked up, smiling at me and Bella.

Then she said to Bella and Alice, “Hi, I’m Edward’s sister-in-law, Rosalie.”

Bella held out her hand, “I’m glad to meet you officially…finally. Edward has told me a lot about you,” Bella said. I knew this was a lie, but I tried to control my face. I knew why she was lying.

“Likewise,” Rosalie said.

“Nice to meet you!” Alice said, dropping the boots on the counter, and hesitating before shaking Rosalie’s offered hand.

“Did you know they were dating?” Alice asked.

Rosalie looked at Bella before replying, “Well, it’s pretty obvious from their behavior, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, they’re…” she looked at both of us in turn before saying, “pretty wrapped up in each other, aren’t they?”

“Yes, I can’t stop thinking about her naked,” I commented, looking down into Bella’s eyes. “Especially after last night,” and I leaned down to kiss her.


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