Dear Ms. Isabella Marie Swan,
I hope I got your name right. I wasn’t sure what to call you, and I want to be polite. I also don’t know if you prefer Ms., Miss or Mrs.. I don’t think you are married, but it is possible. If you are, please ignore the last two paragraphs. They are irrelevant.
This is Edward Masen. I met you at the monthly AITP party on Tuesday of this week at 7:34pm. I know the exact time because I was looking at the clock as you were running away from me after I caused you to fall in front of everyone. I hope that you didn’t suffer any serious contusions. Contusions are uncomfortable and they look disgusting. However, if you did, they were most likely on your rear-end, and it isn’t likely that anyone will see them. Thank goodness for that!
I know that it is normal for a gentleman to offer his hand to help a lady in distress. And I am a gentleman, despite my behavior which might have seemed to indicate otherwise. I do have a clinically valid reason, even if it isn’t a socially acceptable one. Although, on reflection, you seem to have social problems yourself; so I probably don’t need to justify my reasons to you.
I suppose you are wondering why I am sending you a letter. At least, you should. I haven’t indicated why I’m writing you, yet. I will do that now.
First, though, perhaps I should explain how I obtained your address. I googled you thoroughly Tuesday night, but obtained very little helpful information. There is more helpful information that I am capable of obtaining of course: medical records, grades, parking tickets, online purchases. You probably have secrets that I could easily find illegally. However, I’d like to assure you that I am an ethical IT person (not a hacker!) and so, let me assure you that I would never infringe on your right to privacy.
What I did find was your home and work addresses. I found no phone numbers under your name, nor at your address. I also found no email addresses. I think that’s odd, but perhaps you are a Luddite. I am not judging you. Differences are what make relationships interesting.
Obviously, it is more efficient and sanitary to call or email someone, rather than writing them a letter. Indeed, as I write this, I’m concerned about how I’m going get this letter in your hands. I’m writing on a Wednesday. So, if there is a delay of more than two days, you will know that I have had a difficult time. However, I am confident that you will get this letter within a week of writing. That is the goal I’ve just set for myself.
Of course, I could have come to your home or your job. However, my fear of contamination and potential restraining orders has compelled me to contact you in a more indirect and socially acceptable way.
I would like to converse with you again. Although I couldn’t tell from our first conversation whether or not you are an intelligent person, or if you have personality defects other than being clumsy and having social anxiety disorder (You appeared to exhibit 5 out of 6 characteristics listed in the DSM-IV-TR, which is the most up-to-date version currently available. It would have been 6 out of 6, but I’m assuming that you are not a minor…if you are, please don’t read the last two paragraphs until you turn eighteen).
I am very attracted to you physically, and I understand physical attraction is often the first recognized component of general attraction. I don’t know whether or not you are attracted to me, physically. I have symmetrical features, am a healthy weight, well muscled, am clean and well groomed; so unless you dislike blue eyes, auburn hair or tallness, it is highly probable that you will also find me physically attractive.
With regards to personality, though, I don’t think you would have been able to gain sufficient information from our brief interaction. Indeed, you spoke a lot more than me. I don’t begrudge you your verbosity. I was glad to get to know you.
One thing I didn’t get to know about you that has been bothering me since the night we met was why you were there. You don’t have an email address, and you said you are a file clerk, so I think I can safely assume that you are not an IT person. You also appeared to be attending the party alone. It is possible that you were meeting an other gentleman there, but I doubt that. IT people are very thoughtful, and I doubt any among my colleagues would have left you unattended.
Although mysteriousness is an attractive quality, I don’t think I will be able to spend much time with you without knowing how you came to the AITP party I was attending. I certainly won’t be able to focus on anything you say until it is explained.
Let me tell you a little more about me. I have OCD. But I want you to know that I am getting professional help with my problems; so one day, I hope to be able to offer you my hand if you are to fall in front of a lot of people. I would also offer you my hand if you were to fall and we were completely alone. Don’t be surprised or offended, but I may wear latex gloves. I hope you don’t find that offensive. My brother tells me often that people are offended when I wear them in public. I’m not sure why. I always use a fresh pair.
Now, I should make an offer of something we can do together. With your emotional problems, you might appreciate a private meeting, rather than a public one. I would invite you to my apartment for this meeting, but I haven’t seen your vaccination record, and I really think you should be tested for several diseases before I allow you in my home.
Alternately, I could come to your home. But I have no idea how sanitary your building is, nor if there is even enough space to allow me to keep a safe distance from you. Also, I would have to take the subway to get there, and I can’t take public transportation. It makes me vomit.
As those are the only private places I know, I would like to suggest a library that is within an easy walking distance for me with automatic doors, and is not very crowded. I know just the one. You could take the subway. I can send you directions from your apartment or from your job.
I usually just read the magazine and new release covers. If there’s something I really want to read, then I put my gloves on and take a peak. I can’t check books out, because it’s unsanitary.
Before I wore latex gloves, I would ask people to read to me from five feet away, but no one except my brother Emmett would ever do it for me. Emmett’s voice is very loud, though, so we were kicked out a couple of times. He won’t do it any more. I’m sure you understand what it is like to have a problem like this, so maybe your understanding will compel you to agree to read to me.
I think you can tell a lot about a person’s intellect by how well they read out loud, and if you are smart, you would probably enjoy reading to me. I could also read to you, although I’m told that my style of out-loud reading is rather monotone and without interest.
It is very important to me that you be smart and witty. I cannot tolerate spending time with stupid people. I am positive that conversing with you, and listening to you read will be sufficient to get a general idea of your intelligence level.
Perhaps, if you are smart and if we find that we enjoy a lot of the same subjects, we will have enough in common that you will want to continue a relationship with me. I would like that very much.
We can start as friends, but I must warn you, I already find you pretty enough that I have imagined you naked, but only briefly. I don’t want to disrespect you by dwelling on my fantasies of you. I would certainly not use my imaginings as masturbatory material until we are more than friends, which is where I see this going, frankly. I hope you feel the same.
Regarding sex, I don’t think I can promise you that I will have sex with you at this time. My past experience has not been pleasurable in that regard, but I do hope to be able to enjoy engaging in that activity some day because my brother Emmett assures me that it is better than masturbation (I trust his judgement, as he has had a lot of sex). The problem is that I don’t want to be contaminated. Obviously I would wear a condom, but there are other issues to consider. I don’t think I could feel safe without wearing latex gloves and a condom, at minimum. Perhaps two condoms. The gloves are important because I think I would enjoy touching your body with my hands, but I don’t think I would be able to enjoy it as much without the protection. In any event, I’d feel even better if I could find some additional protective gear, perhaps for my thighs, hips and torso. I don’t expect a normal person to be that accommodating, but because you aren’t normal, either, maybe you will be amenable to my conditions. But that’s something we could discuss at our meeting.
Edward Anthony Masen
P.S. I figure it will take approximately 1-2 weeks for you to respond to my letter. I’ve added my email address and phone number below. I don’t want to you come to my apartment.
Please. Do not visit me. EAM